The Art of Letting Go

The Sexual Nest

By Dr. Stephanie Hunter Jones

It takes both strength and courage to leave the safety of our current sexual nest. However, unless we spread our wings and depart from what we believe to be our security, we will stay forever trapped. Nirvana, pleasure, excitement, and happiness will permanently be strangers to us. Often in my practice, I encounter clients who express sexual concerns within their lives. After exploring, we discover that they are facing a life change and are fearful of “letting go” and moving forward. They are traveling an endless path within a dark labyrinth.

Does the inability to “let go” of something or someone in our life that does not serve us any longer affect our sexuality? The answer is YES!

What you need to let go of could be a dreadful employment or a home you have outgrown, but most commonly it’s a relationship that needs to end. Many individuals are paralyzed with fear at the prospect of “letting go” of a partner and moving forward, even when they recognize that it is time. The fact is, like attracts like. As times passes, we grow and evolve; therefore, our essence changes. It is only natural that our energy with a partner could be altered by time. Individuals develop and transform at different paces. Some stay stagnant, some change bit by bit, and others grow rapidly, especially at certain stages—whether it’s early adulthood or midlife. There is no fault involved; it is the way of things . Your life’s path could be trying to lead you in a different direction.

The inability to “let go” and move forward can stem from fear. A few examples include:

·         Fear of loss

·         Fear of lack

·         Fear of mistakes

·         Fear of being unsafe

·         Fear of the unknown

 Not only can the fear of “letting go” cause a lifetime of regrets, it can unfortunately spill over into our sexuality. It often creates such concerns as low libido, erectile dysfunction, sexual performance worries, and/or difficulty reaching orgasm. Fear can also create an inability to trust or attract new lovers. You might be surprised at how quickly very attractive people can stop being appealing when they are ruled by fear.

 

Dr. Stephanie’s tips on “letting go” and moving forward:

1.      Be willing to feel pain and loss. It’s only human to want to avoid these feelings, but you really can’t. You can only hide from them—which also requires hiding from joy, hope and desire. The willingness to grow through pain and loss will allow you to take back your full range of emotion and reclaim your power. Remember to lovingly reassure yourself that, worst-case scenario, all will be fine. You will heal from your loss!

 

2.      Recognize that there is an abundance of resources and love on the planet and that lack only exists within the mind.

 

3.      Be gentle and compassionate with yourself and understand that there are no mistakes, only learning opportunities. Have confidence that your decisions are always working for your maximum good.

 

4.      TRUST that you will always be safe. Trust is a choice; and when you make it, no matter what happens, “letting go” will become easier. The more you trust, the more you’re able to “let go,” and the more you “let go,” the quicker you can move forward to a life that is beautiful and abundant.

 

5.      Finally, bring yourself into the present moment. Fear of the unknown is a torturous state of mind. It has been created by pain in the past, when something unexpected hurt you, and by worry for the future. But whatever once hurt you, you survived. And whatever may hurt you in the future, you can also survive. But the most important point is that both past and future are beyond our control. Neither sorrow over what is past nor worry for what is to come is an emotion that can be satisfied. Only the emotions of today can be satisfied. When you begin your strategy for “letting go” and fear arises, STOP—sit still and bring yourself into the present moment where your strength lies.

 

Following these crucial steps can help you take control of your mind and your life. Once you have conquered your fear of “letting go” and moving forward, you will live a life of passion and authenticity. The more you have confidence in abundance, trust yourself, and gently turn aside from worry, the better you will get at all these skills. “Letting go” reinstates your powerful ability to leave your current sexual nest, spread your wings, and soar high with freedom from the strength and courage you have acquired.

 

 

 

Spring is Sprung!

As we encounter Spring – with trees returning to life, birds singing sweetly in their nests, and days growing longer with windy, warm, and rainy weather – we too bud with nature’s revival. Plants begin to flower and spur our own with delicious, erotic aromas. The beauty of our flowers is stimulating, opening, and loving – though a sexual garden requires care and energy to nourish and blossom.

Here are some tips for cultivating a sensual orchestration of flowers that will bloom their heads off all season:

Prepare your environment! Just as flowers cannot grow everywhere, so too your sexuality deserves a nurturing space where it can flourish. A place where you feel safe to be wild and free, that expresses your unique sexual energy. Redecorate your bedroom. Fill it with an ecstatic blend of blissful flora, candles, sensual music, essential oils, rich vibrant colors, and sexy art work. Create a joyous, erotic, and sensual place for your sexual garden to thrive. Your love nest will be tempting to your lovers, and hint how you can continue to blossom together.

Plant your seeds! Your sexual garden sprouts from your environment like seeds from the soil. Make yourself and your play partners an ecstasy chest. Fill it with all your favorite sex toys: ropes, and blindfolds, with a nice stash of erotic films and books. Construct a sexual bucket list of your hottest fantasies, and with dates for when you want to achieve them.

Plenty of sunshine! Nurture your sexual desires with warming, radiant positivity. You can get all the nourishing sunshine you need by giving yourself loving thoughts. Spring is a perfect time to begin a love affair with yourself! Just as the flower’s energy comes from the sun, ours comes from the compassionate glow of our heart and spirit. Weed out any negative thoughts that may have grown in your sexual garden. Remind yourself how truly unique and special you are. Rejoice in your sexual resources!

Water your garden! Begin to explore your blossoming sexuality. Seek out partners who will adore and bring splendor to your garden. Go to some hangouts for the sexually curious and visit some sexy online websites. Explore your wild side. Begin to schedule regular pleasuring ceremonies, either alone or with partners, and honor that commitment to your sexuality.

Enjoy your flower! Your genitals are the most beautiful flower in your sexual garden. Think of and name the flower that most represents yours. Does it have soft, delicate petals, or vibrant, big ones? Does it have a healthy, thick stem with roots deep into the soil that take hold and flourish; or a short, thin, and strong stem that holds the flower upward toward the sun? The flower naturally basks in its nakedness and purity. Once you have named your flower, celebrate its luster and innocence. Place it in a lovely vase in your enhanced location to admire during your pleasure ceremonies. Wear your flower’s fragrance to remind you how radiant your genitals are.

With the appearance of the birds, the bees, and flowers of Spring, there is a blossoming of our sexuality. As the days grow warmer, so will your passions. Just as you care for the flower garden in your yard, give your sexual garden the same amount of tenderness, care, and admiration. For a gorgeous garden is nature’s way of showing happiness.

Authored by,
Stephanie Hunter Jones

The Authentic Sexual Self

The Authentic Sexual Self is the genuine essence of your sexuality. It lies deep within your being and is a unique expression of your desires, your true innermost fantasies that no one else knows or sees. Some spend a lifetime ignoring it, while others search for it in vain. The Authentic Sexual Self is that powerful place within each of us where the fire is always burning; yet many freeze to death because they cannot access its heat.

As a sex-positive therapist and intimacy advisor I find many clients come to me feeling sexually hollow, suffering from an emptiness of passion. They are either completely detached or unaware of their own desires and fantasies. In fact many of them create a false sexual self in response to what society and others have told them about sexuality: that you must look a certain way, be a certain age, or behave a particular way to be a healthy sexual being. Sadly some individuals simply stay disconnected, or stop themselves from expressing their authentic sexuality, because of a fear of what family members, social and religious authorities, or even their partners may think.

There is nothing sexier than an individual who has connected to their Authentic Sexual Self.

They know what they want, how they like it, and who they are sexually. They radiate an erotic energy and possess a courage and confidence that many only dream of.

How can you experience the liberating heat of the erotic fire that lies within each of us?

First, you must know that what people think of others stems from their own personal stories. Each of us has internalized a belief system and a set of rules, shaped by society and our personal experiences, that shapes and limits how we express ourselves sexually.

But the only thing that matters is your story, what you think of you, and that you are celebrating and expressing your sexuality authentically, exactly the way you want to!

Second, find out who you are sexually. Write your own erotic novel with you as the main character, and give yourself the sexual freedom that you have always longed for.

Be sure to portray the main character as a courageous and strong individual who explores all of their pleasures and passions. And above all, give your story a happy ending!

Third, give yourself permission to be that main character, exactly who you are sexually and to investigate all your fantasies!

Lastly, take the first step, even a tiny one, toward experiencing one or all of your fantasies and giving your story that happy ending!

Be courageous, determined, discreet, and safe in your exploration. Know that you are the sole author of your sexual story and can rewrite it at any time. When you discover your Authentic Sexual Self you will give meaning to your life as never before, and this will allow you to transcend your wildest dreams of who you can be, and who you are sexually!

The Sexual Zombie

The Sexual Zombie is a possession of the mind that can take us over at any time throughout our sexual lives. Once our sensuality is engulfed by this sinister force, our sex lives become a series of motions performed by a soulless corpse that is only partially alive. Under possession our love making is a near-mindless state, experiencing no emotion, personality, or sensation of pleasure; only dominated by a series of negative scripts running through our heads. This monstrous state pursues its prey and will persist until you are the sexual living dead.

In my practice as a sex-positive therapist and intimacy advisor I find that The Sexual Zombie syndrome is the cause for many sexual concerns. Issues that arise such as difficulty experiencing orgasm, vaginismus, lack of self-confidence, sexual anxiety, premature ejaculation, sexual inhibition, and erectile dysfunction. Once the sexual living dead takes over your mind, it replaces the beautiful balance between physical and mental with a series of obsessively repeating scripts that tend to focus on sexual performance instead of pleasure. You’re not a good enough lover; you look fat; you’re too old; too short; or too unattractive; these are examples of stories that trap us inside our head and completely disconnected from our bodies and our partners. While it is true that the mental aspects of sex, including erotic fantasies, are absolutely essential to the sexual experience, it is also true that in many cases our minds can generate fears and anxieties that keep us from reaching our full sexual potential.

The good news is you can escape The Sexual Zombie. Sexuality is your essence which is a balance between your head and your body. You can reach safety by getting out of your head and back into your body!

 Here’s how to re-connect to your body:

Appreciate and love your body for its unique qualities. When you are alone lie on your bed with your eyes closed. With your hands begin to slowly explore all parts of your body, and take a mental note of the areas that feel “attractive” in your hands. Surrender to your own experience of what your body is, and not of what it is “suppose” to be. Allow yourself to enjoy the pleasure that this brings.

Find one part on your body that you admire; your eyes, your smile, your breasts, your thighs, your belly button, something that you feel is outstanding, and celebrate it. Claim your body’s erotic power that society and others have tried to steal from you, and tell yourself over and over again how blessed you are to have such beautiful___. Begin to know that each of us is a unique expression of beauty on our planet, and believing fully in this awareness, is a lifelong journey.

Each day do something special for your body. Exercise, eat a healthy meal, bathe in a nice soap, paint your toenails, use a body oil, do one thing special that you would not normally take the time to do. Your body is worth it.

Do relaxation techniques such as deep breathing, yoga, or meditation.

Either alone, or with a partner, begin to explore different sensations on your skin. Use playful sex toys like blindfolds, feathers, and some light spanking. Perhaps begin to explore BDSM. Focus on being in the moment and what you are actually feeling on your skin. Proceed slowly, and allow yourself to discover new arousal spots on your body that you never knew existed.

Play with massage, sexual touching, and slow genital contact. With the each gentle touch on your skin internalize the experience of kindness, compassion, and tenderness that you are receiving in that very moment.

When you re-introduce yourself and return back to your beautiful body, you will be surprised at all the love and pleasure that the Sexual Zombie has denied you. Escape the civilization of Zombies where many dwell, and return to the land of the sexually alive!

Healing Through BDSM Sex Play

BDSM is a blanket term that covers a wide variety of “sex play” including bondage and discipline, domination and submission, and sadism and masochism; however it also encompasses fetishes and kink play. Sex play is a natural drive shared by many individuals that is not only innate, but important to express.

Although sex play is not for everyone, if more individuals allowed themselves to connect to their desires and passions, they would be surprised at the erotic fantasies that lie within them.

Most importantly, those who are able to take it a step further and experiment are often surprised at how fun sex play is, how instinctively right it feels, and its healing power.

Sex play used to be taboo. Now it’s not! Individuals, especial women, are hungry for a unique voice to express their sexuality. Many of us were taught that sex has to be or to look a certain way for it to be “natural.” This is the farthest thing from the truth. Each of us is “one of a kind” and our sexuality is a special expression of our unique essence. Today many people are finally being given –and are giving themselves–the much needed permission to find and express this splendid source of healthy energy within themselves.

When an individual suppress their BDSM, fetish, or kink desires it can be harmful, and can cause emotional problems and undermine relationships. The fact is that sex play enriches lives!

In my 15 years’ experience as a sex-positive therapist and intimacy advisor I have witnessed firsthand how this intimate magic can heal on many levels. Individuals who have been able to use sex play to work through long-standing issues can achieve dramatic results with concerns such as depression, anxiety, low self-esteem, and even sexual trauma.

Sex play can also save marriages! It not only does the obvious by enhancing intimacy, but can also work miracles in addressing the power struggles that often go on within relationships. This sort of bedroom enchantment can allow couples to work through issues that they have been suffering with for years! It is not only effective therapy; it’s hot and amazingly sensuous fun!

Some people are afraid to experiment with sex play. They may have a fear of getting hurt or of harming another. They may be concerned about getting involved with a heavy player or entering into a heavy scene unwittingly. They may also feel that they are not a true dominant or submissive, and feel some uncertainty about how to play.

Let’s explore these concerns:

This sort of bedroom enchantment can allow couples to work through issues that they have been suffering with for years!

*Although the media focus almost exclusively on traditional dominant and submissive roles, there are a large number of players who are “switches,” individuals who enjoy playing both roles. Every player’s taste and level of sex play is unique to their desires. There is a huge spectrum of play and it is important that you always seek fellow players who are at a compatible level of sex play. Whether you want to explore the softer, medium, or harder side of your fantasies, or are more of a sensual player, you can find many others out there just like you.

*Never play with a partner who does not respect and play by the rules. Before anyone engages in sex play, the scene needs to be fully discussed so that everyone knows what will and will not happen. It is also critically important to establish “safe words,” words that all players agree upon that will slow the action down, or completely put an end to the scene. These boundaries should NEVER be disrespected no matter how passionately exciting the scene is for any or all players.

*Despite what most people believe, the submissive is actually the player who is in complete control of the scene! The submissive holds the power because he or she may use the safe word at any time to stop the sex play. As a submissive it is very important to know your limits and exactly what you are, and are not, comfortable with. No one should ever exceed their personal boundaries, until they are ready.

*There are individuals who want to hurt others, and individuals who want to be hurt by others.

However, this is a fact of life and is not necessarily tied to the BDSM, fetish, and kink sex play world. You should trust your intuition and stay away from these types of people (unless this is your thing and is between consenting adults). Educate yourself and your partners before entering into the erotic adventure of sex play.

BDSM, fetish, and kink sex play is erotic foreplay and if kept safe can be healing, fun, exciting, and bewitching bedroom theater. There is a deep sexual satisfaction in surrendering yourself to your partner, in placing your partner in that extraordinary sub space, or in finding creative ways to switch between these roles. Through sex play you can create a secure place for you to be a sexual star and to shine your very brightest!

 

Size Does Matter

I have encountered many male clients in my practice who suffer from low self-esteem, depression, anxiety, and even panic attacks over their penis size. Some admit having sought medication to control these negative feelings. Many echo ghastly tales of previous partners who teased and even ridiculed them over their penis size. Others confess exhaustion from seeking one therapist after the other, only to be told that size doesn’t matter–because, they state, “size does matter!”

Size does matter, if it matters to you!

However, why does it matter to you? Let’s explore this question. Start by asking yourself where your belief that penis size is of great importance began. When and by whom were you told that you needed to have a penis of a certain size in order to be a good lover, or to please a partner?

How did the process of giving all your power over to your penis get initiated?

It is a common theme that young men experience teasing by other males in regard to penis size, in contexts such as locker rooms and showers. As many adolescent males mature, they are introduced to porn, which intensifies their false belief. Although porn can be sexually stimulating, it is does not reflect sexual reality for males or females. Many males consider pornography to be “real sex,” and come to believe that their penis should look and perform like that of a porn star.

Dr. Stephanie’s Tips on Loving Your Penis

*Embrace a form of erotic expression where penis size does not matter, by becoming a master of oral sex! Unfortunately, oral sex is often called “foreplay,” as if it is not serious and somehow doesn’t count. This stems from an old belief that sex is solely for procreation; that there must be intercourse involved for it to be authentic. There are countless males and females, both gay and hetero, who strongly prefer the art of oral sex to penetration, because it can actually be a more intimate, and hotter, way for people to express their sexuality.

*Get sex out of your head and back into your body where it belongs! To the body sex is natural, perfect, and free of all judgments. Negative thoughts about your penis size come exclusively from your mind. This false belief system communicates messages such as: “your penis is too small,” “you’re not a good lover,” or “your body is to fat, skinny, short, or tall, so no one will find you attractive.” These negative messages create a block that separates you from your body’s natural needs.

*Once you have identified where the false belief appeared, you can make the decision to amend it. If you have been scorned by a past partner, it is imperative for you to realize that energy attracts similar energy! If size has mattered to you, then you have attracted partners whom it has also mattered. Conversely, if you are free of this fabricated sexual stereotype, then you will appeal to partners who are also free of the false belief. Change your undesirable beliefs about yourself and you will change your sex life!

The real truth is that your penis size has nothing to do with you being a man, or a magnificent lover. Being a man and a brilliant lover stems from the size of your heart, not your penis. It is in this exceptional place that you will discover the sexual tool that is large enough to satisfy numerous lovers—the gift of self-love and self-acceptance, the capacity to listen, touch, give, and receive pleasure.

The Summer Siren

Summer is the hottest of the four seasons and an impeccable time for discovering the siren within you. With the long sunny days and hot nights quickly approaching, the heat of your sensuality is also a blaze. Permit yourself to release your fiery cravings during this hot spell.

The siren is the female who is aware of her secret feminine power. She is irresistibly alluring and her seductive essence can entice any lover to her lair of passions. She has an inner quality of self-confidence, an awareness of her own sexual energy, and often a great deal of charisma and charm. She also possesses an uncanny patience, with the ability to delay satisfaction to entice her potential lover. Knowing exactly what she wants and desires, the siren exudes sex and captivates her lover.

Some females are intuitively sirens; and all of us have the capacity to become one.

Dr. Stephanie’s Tips on Becoming a Summer Siren:

*Be exactly who you are!
What makes you unique and special is you. Take loving care of your body by exercising regularly and eating healthy foods. Dress and wear your hair the way you want, not to fit in with everyone else. Summer sirens are distinctive in their appearance and proud to be whom they are.

*Never say another negative word about yourself again!
We all have things we want to improve; however we are still perfect just as we are. Instead of focusing on what you feel is wrong with you, focus solely on what is right with you! Summer sirens comfort themselves through sweet, loving words.

*Recognize who you are as a sexual being and rejoice in it!
Identify what you like and how you like it, and most significantly know you deserve to have it that way. Be confident in communicating your sexual desires and become an exceptional receiver of pleasure. A summer siren allows herself and her partners to explore the delicate, sensual, sacred regions of her body.

*Celebrate your vagina, her distinctive shape and makeup.
Not only does she provide you and others with delightful pleasure, but she can also bring forth life onto the planet. Every summer siren possesses a unique and irreplaceable sexual flower that varies in color and texture, and in the size and sensitivity of its labia and clitoris. Rejoice in her stunning individuality!

*Allow your authentic, erotic fragrance to radiate.
Your natural scent transmits pheromones that actually will attract a partner. Concealing your pure odor by over-washing, douching, or heavy application of perfumes, powders, and body sprays can remove your unique erogenous essence. As long as you keep up regular hygiene, you will always be alluring, healthy, and tasty.

A summer siren embraces her distinctive sensual aroma!

*Be courageous in making the first move toward the individual you crave.
Recognize that you are an entity of desire and if rejected, do not take it personally. Summer sirens have confidence in the fact that there are many potential lovers on the planet, and they never permit themselves to get hung up on just one! Flirt and be assertive, come from a place of empowerment and be secure in the knowledge that the right partner will respond to you.

*Create adventure in your life.
Travel to an exotic city alone, take a fun class, make art or music, or learn a new sport or hobby. Everyone admires adventure. Keep your lovers curious and guessing, and don’t ever let them take you for granted. The best erotic medicine is mystery. A summer siren is always adventurous and mysterious!

As the weather heats up, so can you. Create an aura of desirability that will make this a summer you will never forget, and breathe new life into that old love song: “The things we did last Summer, I’ll remember all Winter long.”

The Hidden Male Pleasure Zone

For most men in Western society the center of sexual energy, the prostate gland, is a mystery. However, research on the history of sexual practices in Asian civilizations reveals that the prostate has been regarded as an indispensable center of male pleasure for thousands of years. In these cultures, prostate massage was a common sexual technique and wise Chinese and Indian courtesans understood the erotic intensity of this transcendent procedure. Such women were highly sought after by men to stimulate this hidden pleasure zone.

While knowledge of the sensual powers of the prostate has been more common among gay and bisexual males, their heterosexual brothers have begun to overcome the taboo against exploring this wonderful source of pleasure. If your male partner is open to connecting with this deep wellspring of heavenly pleasure, and possesses a healthy prostate, this sensual action is your gateway.

Here are the basics. The male prostate is a walnut sized gland that is located just below the bladder about halfway between the rectum and the base of the penis. This marvelous gland produces most of the fluid that makes up semen which is transmitted during ejaculation. One of the best orgasms a male can attain is when his prostate is being stimulated, either through a prostate massage, or receptive anal intercourse. When this gland is stimulated directly, nirvana will transpire!

Dr. Stephanie’s tips for a male prostate orgasm
*In order to stimulate the prostate you must enter through the anus, so here is where I will address heterosexual verses homosexual concerns. Many heterosexual males are apprehensive towards anal play out of a concern that they will be regarded as gay, this is simply not the case. No matter what the male is undertaking sexually, if he is doing it with a woman, HE IS HETROSEXUAL! So whether heterosexual or homosexual, if anal play is a type of sex play that you would delight in exploring, then relax, open up, and relish.

*Once you both have overcome any anxieties of anal play, the magic can begin. Create your pleasure quarter with candles, soft music, and heated massage oil. Place your nude partner on his tummy. Start with a wonderful, long back rub, then slowly make your way down to his lower half. Take control of his pleasure! Slightly spread his legs and gradually slide between them. Sensually massage his buttocks and his inner thighs. It is now time to gently touch, tickle, and lightly tease him with your fingertips. Focus on the area just under his scrotum (taint) eventually reaching underneath to play and tease his penis. This is an especially sensitive area that is rarely pampered.  As he becomes aroused and you sense the time is right, turn him over.

If you are working with an anal virgin; PROCEED SLOWLY! Remember, it may even take multiple attempts to get to his hidden pleasure zone.*When you feel he is extremely aroused place a rubber glove on your hand, or a condom on your finger. Lube is the key here. Use an oil based lube and saturate the anus and your finger. Begin to work your finger tip just inside him. If he is nervous the anus will be very tight. Again, provide him permission to play, reminding him that there are countless expressions of sexual pleasure. Once he has relaxed penetrate him fully with your finger. When inside lift upward, and you will feel a walnut size gland at your fingertip. Begin to massage GENTLY, using a come here motion. The gland will enlarge as he becomes extra excited (and he will). The prostate will begin to harden moments before ejaculating, so keep notice. His toes will curl as he releases.

Like the Asian courtesan of old you can master your partner’s pleasure. If you and he are both open, anal play will enhance your sexual journey together. More and more couples are finding the hidden male pleasure zone an exotic, sexy, and fun playground that can intensify desire for both partners.

The Modern Couple

 

From our earliest years we are conditioned to believe that we must find one special person to make all our dreams come true. As children we hear the story of Cinderella, who finds her prince charming; and tales of the prince who finds his princess. Over time the fairy tales begin to seem real, monogamy is viewed as the only possible expression of loyalty and love, and sex and sexuality can begin to take on a quality of heaviness and angst. Once an individual encounters their prince or princess, the relationship is often entered into with unrealistic expectations. As vows are taken and the ring is given in a ceremony, the fairy tale begins. In reality, with that ring the individual is imposing responsibility on their partner to fulfill all their sexual needs, forever.

While some individuals find that traditional monogamy encompasses all of their sexual interests and desires, there is ample evidence that many do not.  We are born sexual beings with a desire to experience sexuality in all its greatness. Many individuals torture themselves and make things more complicated than they need to be. They wrap sex up with all kinds of intense emotions, including love, hate, power, and control. Many also place a direct link between monogamy and religion. From birth we are conditioned for competition, and sex is no different. We compete for sex and to keep our sexual object (our partner) for ourselves, all the while ignoring our own personal needs and inner sexual essence.

Sure, sex is important. It can be sacred, and life-affirming, even life-changing. But when it is a duty or a mindless habit, weighed down with negative associations, or a way of clinging to or controlling your partner, it can become a powerful negative force. It is also important to realize that sex is about exploration and creative possibility. Sex without a sense of humor and play is no fun!

So, please remember: Relax, it’s only sex!

In my practice as a Clinical Sexologist one of my specializations and privileges is working with modern couples. These are couples who consider themselves “in the lifestyle,” swingers, or in an open relationship of sorts. Some began their relationship this way, while others were together for many years and decide to make constructive variations to create passion and excitement in their lives. They transformed their commitment to monogamy into a commitment to live full and exciting sexual lives.

These individuals are truly unique and special. To be in a modern relationship you must have arrived at a place deep within yourself, a place of love. This dwelling has no competition or jealousy, only sexual compassion and generosity. This bounteous core allows you and your partner to experience sexuality in all its vastness.

The alternatives to a monogamous relationship can be liberating, exhilarating, gratifying, and lift you emotionally, physically, and spiritually to an advanced level. Instead of giving your ring to a partner in the hope that they will always make you happy and fulfilled, keep it for yourself. Individuals who do this treasure both themselves and their partners, and possess power and control over their own ecstasy, allowing themselves endless possibilities for love and passion.

Dr. Stephanie’s tips on how to have a successful modern relationship:

1. Communication!

Discuss all your sexual fantasies and desires for yourself and as a couple openly with your partner. This should be done in a safe, non-judgmental environment, preferable with a sex-positive counselor.

2. Set Clear Boundaries

No matter how open you and your partner are, there are still comfort zones that must be discussed. I suggest creating a contract that includes these boundaries, one that each of you agree upon and under no circumstances break. This contract can be modified it at any time, but it must remain a valuable resource that both respect and follow.

3. Create A “Safe Word”

This is a word that is agreed upon that either partner can say at any time during your play, so that everything will stop with no questions asked. Then later you can discuss why the word was used. The safe word is a stop sign, a traffic signal that must always be obeyed.

4. Goddess Or King

For couples who are a bit off balance, in that one partner is moving more cautiously than the other, the more hesitant partner is always considered the Goddess or the King of the play scene. The process is all about them and making sure that they are comfortable and happy throughout. They are in control and must always know it. In time, as they grow more comfortable, a balance will and should occur.

5. Remember The Main Reason You Are Playing

You want you and your partner to have fun and to enjoy the vastness of sexuality to its fullest. Remember that sex is not supposed to be deadly serious, and strive to have a sense of humor about it and keep it in perspective. You have chosen to explore and make your sexual discoveries together, not alone. This can bring you closer, give you each a sense of autonomy, and provide you with something to talk about when you’re sitting together on the porch in your rocking chairs.

Dating & Self-Pleasure

In my practice I have often encountered single individuals who are concerned that masturbation will inhibit their desire to seek a partner for dating, or sexual fun. Some even stop masturbating completely while in this companion-pursuing mode. While each individual is certainly unique in regard to their emotions and cravings, the fact is that masturbation does not interfere with one’s motivation or yearning to date or “hook-up” with others for sex.

In reality, the reverse is accurate. Masturbation basically advances your sexual essence and sex life. If a male is pleasuring himself regularly while dating, he will last longer during sex, generating a more gratifying experience for both partners. If the female is a consistent self-pleasurer, she possesses a consciousness of her own body that most will find erotically stimulating.

Masturbation is a kind of calisthenics for your sex muscles: if you don’t use it, you lose it! So, would you stop exercising at the gym or at home if you decided to begin dating? Of course not. So why would you stop your sexual workout when you are seeking a companion?

Touching yourself for pleasure is normal and begins in the womb during development. Self-pleasure is so natural that throughout childhood we touch ourselves for comfort. So when we halt this soothing sensation and place all of our expectations on another to provide this intimate stimulation and release, we are most often disenchanted.

However, your belief system is also significant regarding dating and self-pleasure. The mind is the ultimate influential sex organ. If you believe that masturbation will obstruct your incentive to seek a partner, then it will. If on the other hand, you have confidence in the fact that masturbation enriches your sexuality, makes you extra alluring and a more erotic being, it shall. Masturbation is natural and vital and can be performed for countless reasons. The ultimate goal of this erotic art is not simply to “get off.”

Here are some of the many compensations of self-pleasure:

  • It is a natural muscle relaxer and sleep aid
  • It releases anxiety and stress
  • It teaches you about your body and how you achieve and experience orgasm, so you can share that knowledge with a partner
  • It alleviates menstrual cramps in females
  • It relieves headaches and migraines
  • It centers you and makes you mindful of your own body and its needs

The key is to remember that your body, along with your sexuality, is ultimately your responsibility. In short, loving yourself in every way, including the act of physical self-love, can only make you a better and more effective partner and lover!

The Feminine Waterfall

The feminine waterfall is the sweet nectar of the Goddess that flows out of some women when they orgasm. While some females are blessed naturally with the erotic flow known as “female ejaculation,” all of us have the potential to develop this heavenly ability. Unfortunately, this astonishing gift causes some women to become embarrassed and even ashamed, causing them to suppress the feminine waterfall altogether. Let us educate ourselves about this special aspect of female sexuality and explore methods to develop this expertise, so that we may completely embrace one of nature’s exquisite gifts.

In my practice I had the delightful privilege of working with a 36-year-old female heterosexual client who was striving to overcome her shame over what she called “wetting the bed” during sex. Through our journey together, she has grasped a magnificent source within herself where she now fully embraces her feminine waterfall. She kindly agreed to be interviewed for my article.

When did you first become aware of your sexuality?

I always loved being a girl. My love for men began at the age of two. My mother told me I would love to sit on their laps and receive lots of attention from them. I started masturbating around the age of six and at the time it felt good; but I also knew that I had to keep it a secret. You might say I was born “rocking my cradle.

When did you first ejaculate?

My first love came when I was 20. I had sex just one time before when I was 18, and it was a disaster. But with my first love sex was amazing. One night while we were having sex he whispered in my ear, “Let go, baby.” I remember feeling frightened at the outcome, knowing that if I did “let go,” there would be no turning back. I knew something magical was about to storm through my body. I surrendered and as I did I screamed while producing a gush, a powerful waterfall, and a stream of liquid passion that pierced my soul and flowed out of me.

What was it like for you emotionally?

I was excited, but at the same time confused. I didn’t know what it was. I began asking my sister and girlfriends what it could be, but no one knew what I was talking about. So I thought something was wrong with me. It was then I found myself traveling this road alone.

How has it been for you with other lovers?

Well, my relationship with Shawn ended after four years. I knew I was sexy, pretty, and damn good in bed; however, I found it difficult to “let go” with other partners. It was hard for me to tell a new partner that I am an ejaculator. I would get embarrassed and sometimes shameful feelings would come up. At times when I did allow myself to “let go,” some partners would get excited; but unfortunately some men would actually freak out over it! Also, I have to always take precautions and place something underneath me, so I don’t ruin the area that I am having sex on. This can be a drag, especially when you’re with a new lover, so I learned to suppress my waterfall.

Where are you now in your healing process, and what has it been like for you?

Through my sexual research and therapy, I have learned to value and love myself, and my gift. I know that there are men out there who love this flow, and I find them and give it up when I am ready to share it. Female ejaculation is actually a blessing, and an expression of feminine power. I now fully accept myself, and my sexual journey is filled with extreme passion and orgasmic delight. I love being a woman, and I love ejaculating!

What advice would you have for other women about “female ejaculation”?

To “let go!” Women deserve pleasure just as much as the men do. Learn to ejaculate and allow your enchanted waters to flow. We deserve to experience all the ecstasy that life and sex can offer us.

Many researchers believe the female prostate is the source where “female ejaculate” fluid is produced during orgasm. This fluid is released through the urethra and, although there is still much debate over the exact anatomy and sexual function of the female prostate, it is important to know as much about it and its erotic potential, as possible.

Dr. Stephanie’s tips for awaking your female prostate:

  • 1. The female prostate is central to female sexuality; however, it is not an ecstasy button. It is a precious zone that must be gently explored and exercised in order to discover if you are sensitive and can be stimulated in that area.
  • 2. You must first discover your own prostate and learn how to ejaculate alone, before inviting a partner to play. Create a private, quiet, safe, and nurturing environment for yourself. Play soft music, light candles, have a hand mirror handy, and lubricate (if needed).
  • 3. Lie comfortably against your pillows with your legs spread. Use your mirror to begin the exploring process. Open your lips and find your clitoris. Then, make your way to the urethra and to the opening of your vagina. It is here you will find the head of your female prostate.
  • 4. It’s important to know that the female prostate can be stimulated from the interior and the exterior of the vagina. Begin by tenderly using your finger (with lubricant if needed) to explore the outer area of your prostate. Then slowly slide your finger inside the vagina opening and gentle lift upward. You will discover your prostate just inside the roof of your vagina. At this point, begin to feel the body of the prostate and follow the gland straight back until you determine where it ends. (As you become stimulated, your prostate becomes filled with fluid and blood, and grows larger).
  • 5. Now that you have found it, let’s arouse it. I recommend beginning by gently stimulating the outer edge of your prostate (outside your vagina), and when you are ready, insert your finger and make a “come here” motion along the body of the gland and just behind it. Remember to take your time. An extra trick is to stimulate the prostate and your clitoris at the same time.
  • 6. The most valuable part of your exercise is the “letting go” progress. Give yourself permission set your passion free, and release. Know that you are a sexual being and allow yourself to get lost in pleasure.
  • 7. This exercise is to be repeated again and again until you begin to attain results. These results can vary from simply feeling more wet, to shooting jets of liquid, to feeling extra pleasure from penetration. Practice makes perfect, and the more you stimulate your prostate, the more your fluids and pleasure during sex will increase.

Many individuals believe that, to access this sweet zone, you must insert a finger, or a sex toy, into the vagina and curve upward with extreme pressure. This is not a good idea unless the female is extremely aroused and desires it. It can otherwise cause discomfort and often a strong desire to urinate.

Throughout history powerful female spirits and deities have been associated with rivers and seas, tides and waves, and the life-giving, mesmerizing powers of the waters. It is even rumored by the wise old women of the American South that any lover who tastes the sweet nectar of the Goddess will fall under her Spell forever.

As a woman who possesses the potential for producing this captivating nectar, you should remember that still waters do run deep – that a placid surface may hide the passionate nature that lies beneath. By exploring this innate power and permitting your natural waters to flow forth, you can allow yourself – and your lovers – to experience the full sensual splendor of the Goddess.

*A very special thank you to my client for sharing her lovely story with me and now the world. She is courageous and I have the deepest admiration for her!